


WcDonalds Is Not The Greatest Place to Raise an Immortal

by SeaCollides



Series: SHSL Crackfic Spewing [2]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Crack, Gen, Inventor Miu Iruma, McDonald's, No Romance, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pianist Akamatsu Kaede, President Kirumi Tojo, Side Story, This Is STUPID, VERY Out of Character, Weird Plot Shit, and maki - the one you should not have invited, and they all work at WcDonalds!, but instead of Mc it's now Wc, but you can ship... if you want.... :), if you've seen the potato farming fic you know what's going down, intentionally bad grammar but it's not too bad to the point of cringing (i think?), kaede - the optimistic, kirumi - the level-headed, kiyo - the weird, miu - the disaster, ryoma - the frequenter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24922075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaCollides/pseuds/SeaCollides
Summary: Kaede Akamatsu has been assigned a very important job. She smoothed down her uniform, adjusted her cap, and clapped her hands together. Today was a big day, a new direction in her career. Taking a deep breath, she flung the establishment's doors open.Two people were already inside the building, wearing their uniforms as well. Kaede smiled widely. This was gonna go great."The world's never gonna see this coming. Let's go, WcComrades!"---Also known as the AU where Kaede, Miu, and Kirumi work at WcDonalds and try to please the WcDonalds Guardian. This is a side story of my other work where Kokichi, Rantaro, Kiibo and Shuichi start a potato farm and it'll be easier to understand if you read my other fic first (read: inside jokes that only viewers who read the potato au will understand), but it's not a must.Once again, I'm not apologizing. I'm here to contribute to this fandom via. a shitton of crackfics.(not cross-posted on Wattpad, updates whenever I feel like it)
Series: SHSL Crackfic Spewing [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1799986
Kudos: 14





	1. The Birth of a Cracktastic Era

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaede becomes an employee with hopes and dreams, an immortal makes a cameo.

Kaede Akamatsu was a succesful person.

So successful, in fact, that she could earn millions of dollars in just one concert, even if it was a super shitty one.

So, when Kaede Akamatsu volunteered to work at WcDonalds, she knew that something was probably wrong. 

But hey! The WcDonalds was very well-kept. And she's allowed to drink coke straight from the dispenser!

It was definitely a good trade-off. Her manager might've yelled at her for nearly five hours over the phone, but she was genuinely glad to be able to take some time off the piano to work at a WcDonalds. With that in mind, she did what any normal person would do- hang up on her manager and fling the phone out of a window.

Now, she was standing in front of the beautifully red WcDonalds she was supposed to work at. It was practically sparkling in the sunlight, the outer walls coated in a fresh layer of paint, the parking lot empty and surrounded by well-trimmed bushes. 

It would've been the best WcDonalds to exist, except for one measly little fact. 

This WcDonalds was completely deserted. It wasn't an exaggeration- the last transaction performed here was from two days ago, and two days ago was the only time this WcDonalds had ever gotten a customer that paid.

In conclusion, that fresh layer of paint wasn't actually fresh- the WcDonalds was so untouched, the paint literally refused to peel itself off. Just like how the bushes refused to grow and the cement ground refused to crack, this area felt like it was surrounded by a supernatural bubble that disallowed it to become anything like a real WcDonalds. 

And now, it was Kaede's job to boost this WcDonalds's popularity. She flung the double doors open and stepped inside the air-conditioned building. Inside, she saw her two comrades- Miu Iruma and Kirumi Tojo. 

"Finally! Took you long enough to arrive, Flat Tits!" Miu proclaimed, crossing her arms. Kaede laughed awkwardly and scratched the back of her neck. 

"I don't think I took that long..." she replied.

Miu frowned and tapped the watch around her wrist. "You were staring at the building monologuing to yourself for over half an hour."

"You counted?!" 

"Thirty minutes, Kaede! Thirty minutes of us standing in here like a sprite waiting for you to move your ass! Half an hour more and we'd think you paused the game!"

"Miu, please prevent from breaking the fourth wall," Kirumi interjected. Miu scoffed. 

"It's the wrong fourth wall, dumbass. We're currently in a fanfiction where-"

"Miu, _please_ prevent from breaking the fourth wall," Kirumi said, this time with more force. 

"Or what? You're gonna grab a broom and shove the bristled end up my ass?" the inventor challenged.

"Precisely." 

"..."

Kirumi gestured at the broom lying in the corner conveniently within reach. Miu screeched in terror at the thought of her ass getting impaled by bristles. 

"OKAY, OKAY! I WON'T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL ANYMORE!"

Kirumi put down the broom. Both Miu and Kaede sighed in relief.

"Now then, I think it's time we actually do this WcDonalds justice," Kaede asserted. Everyone nodded in agreement. 

"May I ask how will we promote this place, Kaede?" Kirumi questioned. Kaede tapped her chin thoughtfully. 

"How about posting a video on my dead YouTube channel with over ten million subscribers to promote this restaurant?" the pianist supplied. "I'll ask the CEO of WcDonalds to sponsor us!"

"Isn't this dump already sponsored by Ling Ling from TwoSet and NordVPN?" Miu said, placing her hands on her hips. "That's how it runs for 40 hours per day and never gets exploited by hackers. NordVPN allows you to change your IP address, making you harder to track, securing your privacy. Check out the link in the description to get 20% off for the first two months and thank you to NordVPN for sponsoring this video."

Miu went quiet for a moment before rebooting again. "What the hell was that? I think I just spouted some weird advertisement crap."

Kaede coughed into her fist. "You know, maybe I won't post anything on my dead YouTube channel. Any other ideas except for copypasta sponsorship advertisements?"

Miu tapped her foot on the ground. "Uh... how does inventing a machine that shoots out posters and flyers sound?" 

Kirumi nodded in agreement. "Sounds plausible. If you follow through with that idea, I will begin to tidy up this WcDonalds to make a good impression."

"It seems like it's settled then! Let's get this WcJob done in honor of Mirzapur-cum-Vindhyachal!" Kaede cheered. The other two girls frowned. "Who?" they both asked.

"Uh... green hair, wears a striped shirt? Works on a potato farm?" Kaede supplied. Kirumi frowned. 

"I thought his name was Miami," she said. 

"No, it's definitely Mirzapur-cum-Vindhyachal." Kaede replied firmly. 

"Mirzapur-cum-Vindhyachal? Wasn't it Mingechevir?" Miu chimed in. Kaede groaned and massaged her temples. 

"Now you're making me confused! What's the last name of the previous owner of this WcDonalds?"

Everyone paused and turned to stare at the employee of the decade plaque hanging somewhere near the cashier. It wrote, ' _Rantaro... (to be continued by list)'._ Underneath it was an extended list of towns and cities that started with the letter 'M', presumably added by the one and only Shuichi Saihara the Potato Pioneer. 

"Seems like we weren't wrong. Apparently Mogi das Cruzes is also an appropriate last name, as well as the eight states that start with the letter 'M'." Kaede mused, peering at the list. 

Kirumi coughed loudly, catching the attention of the other two girls. "I think we've stalled long enough... should we start to begin the operation to expand this WcDonald's popularity?" 

Miu crossed her arms fiercely. "Hell yeah! I'll start working on my new invention. Kaede, Kirumi, you guys can renovate this restaurant."

Kaede looked around the WcDonalds. "Renovate? I highly doubt this place needs any renovating. I mean, look at this."

She went into the kitchen, poured coke into her cupped hands, and dumped it all onto a table. A few seconds later, the coke spillage immediately disappeared, nowhere to be found. Miu stared at the completely clean table, her shock nearly causing her tits to fall off.

She yelped, "D-did you see that? No Tits One and No Tits Two, did you fucking _see that?!"_

No Tits One went to wipe her hands. No Tits Two quietly mumbled, "I'll pretend I never saw that... but in reality, I did."

Kaede, her hands now clean, patted Miu on the back. "Let's thank the immortal guardian keeping this place supernaturally clean. I'll call Shuichi to ask him to send over some sweet potatoes to sacrifice."

Miu mindlessly agreed to help, with Kirumi still staying silent. The day ended with the three of them quietly exiting the WcDonalds, careful not to wake the slumbering WcDonalds guardian. 

Somewhere behind the WcDonalds, hidden inside a dumpster, the immortal WcDonalds guardian sipped on some hand-cupped coke, delighted that their restaurant will finally get the attention it deserves. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Feel free to drop a comment/kudo if you enjoyed (*´﹃｀*)


	2. You Have Been Promoted To Customer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An invention is made, Kaede gets whacked, eggs are thrown and Amami is seriously regretting his decisions.

"Right. Something's wrong."  
  


Kaede stared at Miu, who was holding her supposedly-magnificent invention dubbed the 'Send-Advertisements-While-You-Sleepinator'- also known as SAWYS- much to Kaede's subtle dismay.

"I'm afraid I don't follow," Kaede mused while running a hand over the machine's smooth surface. "What exactly is wrong with SAWYS? It looks fine." 

She peered at the gray oblong object with spindly metallic arms, helicopter blades, and a large casket full of more oblong objects. There weren't any obvious faults in it.

"Well.... that's the problem. There's an issue with SAWYS, but I can't seem to figure it out... Which is unbelievable, by the way, since I'm _the_ Miu Iruma! ...But yeah. I need help and a test subject, just this once, please?"

Kaede frowned. "Well, of course I'll help, but if you don't know what the exact issue is, doesn't that mean there's nothing wrong with it?" 

Miu shook her head, sighing. "No. You know what? I'll just show you." 

The inventor placed SAWYS on a table and turned it on with a remote in her pocket. The machine whirred to life, the chopper blades spinning as it slowly lifted off into the air, the casket of eggs swaying back and forth underneath it.

Everything was fine for a single moment. That was, until SAWYS lifted one of its metallic arms, grabbed an egg from the casket, and flung it at Kaede with so much malice that the egg split halfway through the air and splattered all over the pianist's employee uniform with a beautiful, glistening yellow arc.

Silence.

"Miu, what the heck did you do?"

"Uh. You might wanna duck, No Tits One."

Kaede turned towards Miu and opened her mouth to ask why, but her incoming speech was met with a loud _crack_ and another splat of golden egg juice, this time all over her face. 

  
Kaede spat out the eggshells in her mouth in outrage. "What the absolute _HELL did you do to SAWYS?_ "

"Everytime it sees someone resembling you or a picture of you, it throws eggs."

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, and it does this, too."

Kaede snapped her head to face the bot, ready to smash the little bitch to the floor, but was instead met with a vicious smack across her head and more liquidized edible innards drenching her hair and facial features.

"Did it just- did SAWYS just _smack_ me? With an egg?!"

"Yes."

"Miu, you are _unbelievable_ and _not a genius at all-_ "

"HEY! I take offense to that!"

"GOOD! Because this is... this is just straight up prejudice against me!"

"I already told you I don't know what the hell is wrong with SAWYS! You agreed to be my test subject!"

"By getting- OW!- pelted with eggs?!"

"YEA! And WATCH OUT!"

Kaede stopped the argument and hit the ground with a little too much force, causing the egg liquids on her clothes to grease the floor as she slid a few centimeters away from her original position. She curled into a ball to avoid any more headshots. An egg took a brave plunge and hit her back.

SAWYS was unrelenting and extremely keen on torturing Kaede with eggs and whacks across the head with a basket meant for holding advertisements. Speaking of advertisements...

  
  
"Miu, wasn't the basket supposed to hold ads? Why is it holding eggs?"  
  
  


"Uh... it was supposed to be temporary, you see..."

"Well. You have five seconds to shut it off."

"I can't!"

"WHY NOT?! YOU SADIST!"

"Not that I'm not into sadism in bed or anything, but it's because it's spotted a target and won't stop until-"

"Until I _die?!_ "

"No, until you shut it off yourself with the emergency shut-down button I installed on its underside or something external crushes it to bits."

"What- hey, where's Kokichi?"

"The purple brat? He's at the potato farm with his stupid boyfriend, right?"

"Can you call him for me?"

"What for...?"

"Please."

"Okay, okay, fine."

As Kaede greased her way over to hide underneath a table, Miu dialed Kokichi's phone number and prayed to God he wouldn't pick up.

Her wish was half granted.

"Hey, this is Rantaro... you are, uh, 'McBitch-Queen-Thot-Slayer-JK-She's-Actually-A-Thot LMAO'?"

"What the fuck, it's just Miu! And Machilipatnam, isn't this panta hoe's number?"

"We swapped phones."

  
  
"What? Why?"

"Long story. Anyway, what do you need?"

"So, Kaede's in trouble, and she asked me to call you," Miu said while putting the phone on speaker. "I'll hand the phone over to her now." She slid it across the floor so Kaede could reach it without having to eggscape her shelter.

"Hey, Magnitogorsk! It's Kaede. I need a little help."

"Mhm, what is it? WcDonalds issues?"

"Not... quite."

She told Rantaro about her egg crisis.

"That sounds pretty serious," was Rantaro's stunned reply.

"Yes! So, I really need to know where Kokichi keeps his hydraulic press collection."

"Wait, he had a... what? I'm- I'm not even gonna say anything else. Gimme a sec."

The line on Rantaro's end made a few shuffling noises. A shout. 

"Right, Kokichi said that you can check his basement, but good luck barging into his super sexy and rich house."

"His super sexy and rich- I see. Thanks Malaybalay!"

"No problem- and please don't mess up the WcDonalds."

With a click, the call ended, leaving a miserably egged Kaede and a perfectly clean Miu facing off a metallic beast of an egg-thrower. 

"So, any plans on how to lure SAWYS to Kokichi's house and crush it in the basement?" Kaede asked while SAWYS zipped around the room, trying to find her.

"You're resorting to violence already? Shit No Tits One, I've sorely underestimated you-"

"No!" Kaede interjected. "Not violence. I'm just not going to risk getting whapped in the face with dozens more eggs just to hit the emergency shut down button, okay?"

"Or..." Miu provided, bouncing on her heels. "You could just... wait for it to run out of eggs?"

Kaede stilled. Blinking, she thought about it for a while. "That's not a bad idea. How many eggs does it have left?"

Miu began mumbling to herself as she counted her fingers. "Well- you've been pelted by about ten eggs so... around fifty or so."

The pianist blanched. " _Fifty-_ I'm not going to get hit by fifty eggs. That's final."

Miu sighed. "That's fine. Then you'll just have to think of a way to lure it to grape brat's house, you sure you can manage that?"

"Definitely. I'm a master at plans. Y'know, once, I hosted a less-serious concert and accidentally showed up in-"

"I don't wanna know."

"Okay... but it was really funny! I ended up playing chicken-dance but improvised and earned the same exact money I get from actual professional concerts."

"I call BULLSHIT!"

"Would I ever lie to you, Miu?"

"By experience, yes, but unfortunately, only the cocksucker knows when you do."

"..."

"MIU!" Kaede screeched as she frantically looked around the room. "SAWYS IS GONE!"

The inventor's eyes nearly popped out of her head. " _WHAT?!"_

Indeed, SAWYS was gone. Being unable to find Kaede or anyone looking like her, SAWYS left the scene, courtesy of an opened glass door that no one bothered to close.

"Oh my god," Kaede whispered, slowly revealing herself from underneath the table. "We are _so_ screwed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Feel free to drop a comment/kudo if you enjoyed (*´﹃｀*)


End file.
